Notes from the Underground

Hello out there! I've got my new computer charger (mine spliced all of a sudden and threw sparks at Jordie the other day), and I'm back into the bloggin' game. But before I get started on my post-apocalyptic adventures, I just want to put an enormous THANK YOU out there. I'm aiming this thank you at all people working in the medical field, custodians, grocery store workers, truck drivers, gas station attendants, Canada Post workers, and anyone else who is working to keep services running for the rest of us. These people are out there in public, putting themselves at higher risk so that the rest of us can try to keep some semblance of a normal routine. If you are one of these people, thank you so much!

Obviously a lot has happened since my last post on March 6th. Let's start from the top...I can almost hear it now...the humdrum of a live band playing a packed Angry Hen Brewery on Front Street. The last day of school. I was sitting amongst many of my fellow Kaslovians, including my doggie friend Huck, who was mostly sitting at my feet, sometimes getting up to do a lap around the bar. Apple raspberry ciders! Friends! Babies! Some French guys that were here for heliskiing! A little bit of chatter in the air about the dreaded virus, but honestly, not that much. Jordie and I met Jeremy and Sheree at the Taqueria for supper and had some of the yummy cocktails and fish tacos. And yeah, that was the last hurrah before the lowering of the boom.

I feel like it's almost been too long now for me to remember exactly what I've been up to over the past month, and frankly, my brain is a bit of a blur. I do have a bunch of disjointed memories and experiences to share though. I figured these would go well with the random thoughts I've had over the last few weeks (see below). So here goes: a tour of my not-that-interesting experiences since the world was taken over by Ronies. Buckle your seatbelts and get ready for stories of me sitting in the yard, me looking out the window, me dreaming about the day I can freely walk around the grocery store, even me going out for a walk!

By the way, did I mention I've given the virus a nickname? It's 'Ronies.' Not to minimize the seriousness of what's going on, at all. I just think it rolls off the tongue better than 'Coronavirus.'

Life since Ronies came to town (figuratively-there are no cases in Kaslo, I don't think)

Front Street, normally a huzzbuzz of shopping, restaurants and other goings-on, has dropped off in its huzzbuzziness. A car or two, maybe three or four. A sign on the door of nearly every business-sometimes several signs. Some of them are more curt, posting messages such as DISTANCING REQUIRED in red capital letters, or 'Four Shoppers Maximum-if the door is locked, wait your turn.' Others have taken more of a Kootenay approach, with gentle messages such as 'We are closed for now, as we feel this is the right thing to do at this time' or 'Take care of each other out there.' Still others have no signs at all, just darkness behind closed doors.

One business in town that seems to be doing quite well is Chez Serge with his takeout window beside the gas station. I went down there the other day to get me and Jordie some fish and chips and poutine and a caramel sundae, and he was smokin' busy preparing orders behind his little takeout window. Serge's is the one place in town I don't feel guilty going, because he has a plexiglass shield, and it's easy to stay 6 feet away from him while you wait for your food. Now that I'm saying this out loud, though, I'm starting to feel guilty about it.

Gawd this sundae was good. Jordie said he "wasn't gonna have any."

The price of gas has been steadily dropping, from $1.31 about two weeks ago to $1.26, then $1.09, then 99 cents. I realized that I actually have no idea why the price of gas drops during big world events like this. I looked it up. Business Insider had some good information: "Experts agree that the steep decline of gas prices can be attributed to the coronavirus in some way." Um yeah...no shit.

We are really lucky in Kaslo to be able to go out for walks with nobody else really coming near us. I realized just how lucky we are this week when I read that in Paris, outdoor exercise such as running and walking have now been banned from 10am-7pm. I've walked about 100km in the last two weeks. It's just become normal to cross the road when someone else is on the same side of the street, normal to stop and talk to someone who is standing twenty feet away, raking leaves in their yard. I have noticed a pleasant uptick in friendly smiling and waving, too. Kaslo always has this as part of the culture, but now it's really having a whole new heyday. On one of my walks, I saw a big black dog laying in the middle of the road, looking like he'd been there all day, no cars driving by to scoot him out of the way. He didn't smile or wave, though.

Never in my life have I been to the grocery store LESS than in the last three weeks. In fact, I have been exactly once. It's kind of refreshing only shopping once every couple of weeks, though. I feel like I'm really becoming intimately acquainted with EXACTLY what is in my cupboards and fridge. For example, I wouldn't normally know that we have 4 potatoes left, 3 cans of coconut milk and 2 flacid carrots. I've also learned some things about my groceries, like coconut milk is really not that good in coffee, and you don't need four types of dried beans.

It's definitely weird to stay 6 feet away from people, and to only go on walks around the neighbourhood or to an actual store when it's essential. Also, I think there are a lot of people out there who are really trying to stretch the meaning of 'essential.' You know, going to the hardware store to pick up two-sided tape or something. It's kind of like how egg salad and potato salad are not really 'salad,' but people pretend they are.

On the weekend, I had maybe the most Canadian moment of my life. I left cash under my front door mat, and the maple syrup guy delivered maple syrup. I didn't even know there was a maple syrup guy! I wish there was more deliver-to-your-door stuff like this. Not Amazon. I mean like milk and stuff. Hey, does anyone remember those BAGS of milk you could buy from the store, and you had to cut the corner of the bag to pour the milk out? If those ever come back, here's a pro tip: never let a kid do the cutting. Even as a kid, I wondered why my parents didn't ban this. Bam! Milk everywhere.

All of a sudden, Zoom seems to be in everyone's life, like, for real. Ah, how quickly we all forget that FaceTime, WhatsApp, Google Hangouts and House Party are all the exact same thing as Skype.

Ronies has introduced quite a few new words and phrases to everyone's vocabulary, and I really think these should be repurposed once this is all over instead of just phasing them out like we've done with once popular catchphrases like 'crusin for a bruisin' or 'knuckle sandwich.' Here are my ideas for how to repurpose these words, post-Ronies.

Social distancing

New meaning: this is when you're trying to get out of a conversation, and you start backing away from the person. Normally, the person ignores the fact that you are social distancing and keeps yammering on about something you don't care about.

Flattening the curve

New meaning: this is when your squeeze your butt into a pair of pants you know full well are too tight.

Self-isolation

New meaning: this is when you don't allow yourself to go out with your friends or family because you have some work to do, and you have been procrastinating. For example, "I'd love to come to the rodeo with you and your nephew-in-law, but I really need to self-isolate until I'm finished raking the yard."

I have an idea. Maybe a Dragon's Den idea! Wouldn't it be great if there could be some kind of all-knowing tally of everyone's behaviour during the Ronies crisis? Let's not get distracted by the science...I don't know how this technology would "work," per se. Think of it as kind of a points system. Going to the grocery store once a week at the most? One point! Maintaining a safe distance from other people at all times and not just when you think it's convenient? Three points! Volunteering to deliver groceries? Ten points! Working in the medical field? A hundred points! Inviting your friends over? You lose three points! Saying things like "Only old people and vulnerable people will be affected by this" or "I don't feel sick"...ouch...you lose ten points! Hatching conspiracy theories about government control? You lose twenty points! Yelling at a grocery store worker? You lose thirty points! Buying extra medical supplies or toilet paper and then selling it at a profit? You lose a thousand points!

*At the end of the global crisis, anyone tallying in the negative will be sentenced to be someone else's butler, unpaid, for a year or something. Yes, I just watched that Seinfeld episode.

Me and Jordie have been playing a lot of chess. If you ever want to start a fight with your partner, play a game of chess. Just kidding. It's fun. Yeah, I was just kidding. Yep.

Jordie, blissfully unaware that I was about to lose this chess game badly, ruining the rest of our night.

Wait, what? Ohhhh, nevermind. Got it.

I was bored one day, so I looked up some random facts. Did you know that the guy who did the voice for Mickey Mouse married the woman who did the voice for Minnie Mouse? Did you know armadillo shells are bulletproof? They figured this out when some idiot shot at one, and the bullet bounced off and he ended up in the hospital. Way to go, armadillo! Did you know sea sponges are the animal that has the longest lifespan, and they have found ones that live to be around 10,000 years old? Then again, a sea sponge is one of those 'animals' that seems like it's about as much an 'animal' as a tomato is a fruit. But I don't want to diss the sea sponges. They seem pretty cool. Hey, did you know McDonald's used to sell bubblegum-flavoured broccoli? It didn't do too well, though. Kids were 'confused by the taste.' Gee, there's a surprise.

Since Kaslo closed almost everything down about two weeks ago, it's been feeling a lot less like the charming, community-driven mountain town I know it is. It's been feeling more like one of those small towns that you drive through on a road trip and think to yourself that maybe you would move there if there was more going on. I've always been blown away by how much activity there is in Kaslo-festivals, bars, skiing, curling. The works. I was out for a walk yesterday lamenting the loss of hubbub in town, missing spending time with friends and family, missing Kaslo. And then an old man came out onto his porch and started playing harmonica, and singing a song about Mississippi. And then I remembered that Kaslo does have an unbelievable community-it's just hibernating.

I needed some time with people, for God's sake, so I walked up to the cemetery to say hello and pay some respects to the folks in there. The cemetery is where I often see my favourite pack of 17 turkeys, but they haven't been around for awhile now. I wandered around, reading the tombstones, most of them adorned with old-timey names like Mildred or Ezra. The oldest one I found marked the grave of a person (Ezra, I believe) who was born in 1846. It's really incredible, when you think about it, what life must have been like for someone born in 1846. This was not only before both WW1 and WW2, but also before the American Civil War. I don't even know if this is right, but I read on a census website that the world population was around 1.2 billion (instead of today's almost 8). Buggies! Farming! One-room schoolhouses! And can you imagine how slow the internet connections must have been? Anyways, I enjoyed my time thinking about Ezra and what his life would have been like. Plus, as I was walking away, he whispered something about how this is all going to be okay. I've decided when I need a little social time, I'm going up to visit my new friends in the cemetery. I know it sounds weird, but when I'm feeling sombre, a visit to the cemetery actually makes me feel a lot better. It reminds me that we're all just little tiny specks of dust, or whatever the phrase is, and to be honest, I bet those people like it when they get visitors.

Me in the yard. Fascinating, isn't it.

Random thoughts I've had over the last few weeks:

1. I'm honestly wondering if Corona (the beer company) is losing sales. I don't know about you, but I'm gettin' REAL sick of the word 'Corona.' In fact, I kinda stopped saying 'Coronavirus' like two weeks ago. Also, 'Covid' is so...I don't know what...but I hate it. Calling the virus 'Ronies' makes me feel like it's going to be okay. You should try it! It works with everything. If your kid is afraid of storms, start calling them 'stormies.' It takes the edge off. I'm serious.

2. I was out for my daily 8km walk the other day and two gals out on a running date passed me at a distance of approximately 15 feet. Yes, I feel that information is important. Anyway, they were talking shit about some other lady. I looked at my watch. It was 7:41am, and I realized something. Gossiping about someone is really never attractive, but it's especially gross early in the morning.

3. I was thinking about this kid I once taught-he was in kindergarten. He would often get up and be halfway to the door when I'd ask him where he was going. "I'm going to get a piece of drink, Miss Gidney," he would say. This kid was really thirsty. I feel like we had this exact same conversation almost every day. I never corrected him, and secretly I am hoping nobody ever corrects him and he keeps saying this until he's an old man, because every time he said 'piece of drink,' I felt like my heart was going to explode.

Get back! Get BAAAAAAACK!!!

4. My new favourite thing to read in the Pennywise (Kaslo's little local classifieds paper) is the SPCA mini-bios of animals that are up for adoption. Usually they go something like this: 'Meet Dexter-Dexter is a 4-year-old gentleman terrier looking for his new forever home. He loves to cuddle, but could use a little more training. You can find Dexter sneaking onto the kitchen counter or eating your favourite shoes. He doesn't do well with chickens.' I'm falling in love with every dog and cat in the classifieds right now. Their bios absolutely KILL me! Unfortunately, the Pennywise operations are suspended as of now, so I have been digging out old issues from our kindling pile.

Thrill of the week-beers and a fire with the ol' ball and chain.

5. I saw an ad the other day for forensic accounting services and promptly came to the conclusion that clearly I don't have a very good handle on what the word 'forensic' actually means. The dictionary says 'forensic' means 'relating to scientific tests or techniques used in connection with the detection of crime.' Funny. I thought it meant 'relating to corpses.' Learn something new every day!

6. You know what's an even better brain workout than a Sudoku puzzle? A Sum-doku puzzle. It's like a Sudoku puzzle, only there's also addition involved. I spent about an hour on one of these puzzles the other day and was thoroughly exhausted by the end. Jordie got real tired real quick of the word 'Sum-doku.'

Another captivating shot of Jordie, mid-breakfast prep. I made him pose for this photo like three times.

7. I've been listening to quite a bit of Kootenay Co-Op Radio (93.5FM out of Nelson). They have this great show in the afternoons that goes on for about 2 hours. It's ragtime, or early jazz or something. I don't know what it is. It's instrumental. And no commercials, except for that government public service announcement with the kid telling other kids to stay away from all their friends during the Ronies outbreak. Anyway, the last time I was listening, the radio host was this out-to-lunch lady who kept saying things like "Lewis" Armstrong and "Uhh..I don't really know when this song came out or who was on drums" and "Oh, brother, what does this say...I can hardly read it!" The other radio host had to keep correcting her, even on which city the radio station broadcasts from. Honestly, I was getting a little bit concerned, but then I realized my scones were burning and I kind of forgot all about it.

8. If they ever completely get rid of regular keyboards and make all keyboards digital (like the ones on an iphone or ipad), I'm going to freak out. I'm really fast at typing, but on a digital keyboard, suddenly it's like I'm Encino Man and I'm picking up a piece of modern technology for the first time in my life. Auto-correct is always getting the best of me. I was messaging my cousin to say Happy Birthday the other day, and I almost accidentally sent "Happy Bday! I'll have a Fireball shit in your honour tonight!" What I meant was "Happy Bday! I'll have a Fireball SHOT in your honour tonight!" Thankfully, I noticed this slip-up before I sent it.

9. There's this dog that drives around in an old truck here, and he keeps pretending he doesn't notice when I smile at him, and you know what? It's really starting to get on my nerves.

10. Jordie is the only person I know who uses the word 'flacid' to describe things like a wimpy handshake. He has really brought this word into his vocabulary and given it new life, using it to describe dead fish, limp carrots or droopy plants that clearly need to be watered. If you think about it, there are loads of applications! It's a great word, and really shouldn't be reserved for the rare occasions when we're talking about...you know.

My good friend Siobhan, much like Jordie, has found a way of broadening the use of the word 'mangy.' No longer is it only to be used to describe a disheveled dog or cat! What about that sweater your boyfriend wears that has oil stains on the front of it? What about the dishcloth that was left in a wet ball in the sink overnight? WHAT ABOUT the nasty couch in the alley behind your neighbour's house with the hopeful 'Free' sign pinned on it? All mange.

Well, that's about all for now, I suppose. I can hear the 4.6 billion leaves in my yard calling. I'll try to keep up my weekly blog posts-I'm sure there will be enough interesting things going on in my yard to fill these pages. Maybe I'll do a Honey, I Shrunk the Kids theme next week...I'll zoom in on the grass and see what the ants are up to.

Take care of yourselves and each other out there, and keep your chin up!