Blasts from the Past

Me and my brother Joel, posing with one of Dad's signs.

I know what you're thinking-TWO blog posts in one week? Or maybe you're thinking about how you didn't notice this was my second blog post this week. Anyway, I have had TWO colds, back-to-back. I've been sick for two weeks straight. So me, my computer and my couch are getting acquainted on this fine Thursday (why is it always nice out when you're sick?), because I finally decided to take a rest day instead of dragging myself to the shop to practice painting vertical lines (this is what I did yesterday). Do you know how hard it is to paint a vertical line 3 inches high that's actually straight? Even drawing a 3-inch tall straight line is quite tough. I wonder how many of you are getting out a pencil to give this a try right now. Probably none. I don't blame you-it's really not that useful an exercise.

I thought I'd write a little bit about my life this week, since I haven't really done anything interesting since my last post. A little bio-blog, so to speak.

But first, random thoughts of the week:

1. For the record, it's "I couldn't care less." Not "I could care less," because that doesn't even make any sense. Also for the record, if you want to make someone laugh, instead of using the phrase "whats-his-face," say "whats-his-nuts." Trust me, it's funny.

2. There was a story in the news this week about David Ayres, who is a 42-year-old random guy (actually, a zamboni operator) who was pulled in as an 'emergency goalie' when both regular Carolina Hurricanes goalies were injured in the same game. He made a bunch of great saves and ultimately won them the game 6-3 against the Toronto Maple Leafs. He was the oldest goalie in the NHL to win his regular season debut! An average Joe superstar! I'm bringing this story up for two reasons: a) someone should make a Mighty Ducks-inspired movie about this, and b) stories like this make me smile, and I think they should be our new standard for what gets media attention.

3. I was thinking about that saying "Live like you'll die tomorrow." If I knew I was going to die tomorrow, I guess some things would be different. I guess instead of binge-watching Shark Tank today while I'm sick, I would binge-watch Planet Earth instead. And I'd probably put sugar in my coffee, because let's face it-it's delicious.

4. One of my biggest pet peeves is that mushy sound when someone's eating a banana and standing a little too close to you. Also when someone goes on a vacation to the UK and comes back with a fake British accent. And when people talk with their mouths full. We need a global initiative to deal with this problem. Oh, and when people walk too slow right in front of me, and too many exclamation marks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You don't need them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wait, wait. I take it back. This is really fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Side note: when I first met Jordie, my lack of punctuation in texts became our first relationship issue. Apparently, it's "confusing" when someone uses periods instead of ever using a question mark.

Me: What are you doing.

Jordie: Not much, just out with some friends. Do you want to hang out later?

Me: When.

Jordie: Um, I dunno...dinner? Around 7?

Me: Sure. So who are you with.

5. Have you ever had to spell out one of your passwords to someone? I did this recently, when Jordie was sitting across the room with my computer and I wanted him to check my email for me. It went a little something like this:

Me: OK, it's capital B...

Jordie: B or P?

Me: B as in 'Bonneroo.'

Jordie: What?

Me: B!!!! B as in 'bread!'

Jordie: Gotcha. Then what?

Me: Ampersand.

6. In a big city, I never feel obligated to make eye contact with a person walking past me, or say hello. I do it sometimes because it's nice to feel small-towney, but I don't feel like I have to. But in a really small town like Kaslo, you see someone walking towards you from like four blocks away and have to start making eye contact from way at the bottom of the hill. Or pretend to look for something in your bag. I would make a fake phone call, but I don't even have a phone anymore.

*Side note-Usually, passing-someone-on-the-hill conversations go something like this:

Fellow pedestrian: Hi.

Me: Hi.

Fellow pedestrian: It's snowy, hey?

Me: Yup-it snowed three feet last night.

Fellow pedestrian: OK, see ya.

*Side note-maybe, instead of always using the weather as conversation filler, I'll start asking people questions they weren't expecting. I figure these conversations will go something like this:

FP (fellow pedestrian): Hi.

Me: Hi.

FP: Snowy, h---

Me: Hey, did you have any dreams last night? I had this dream about Lionel Messi, but with a peacock face.

7. When you think about it, it's pretty strange the way Canadians (at least in my generation) use a mix of the metric system and the imperial system. I use kilometers when talking about long distances, unless I'm talking to my parents, and then I use miles. Ounces are for how much babies weigh, how many shots of alcohol are in a cocktail, and measuring weed (well, measuring weed in large quantities...for small quantities, we switch back to metric and use grams). I've never used the metric system to talk about my height, except when I get a new driver's licence. Yards seem to be used for football and in the trades. I never use centimeters, I don't think. I truly have no idea how to measure temperatures in Fahrenheit, except when I'm baking. For people moving to Canada who are not used to this strange mix of systems, let me give you some tricks of the trade.

a) 1/3 of a dram is the same as 7/16 of a nautical mile multiplied by a Texas mickey.

b) We don't really use 'pennyweights' too often anymore, but if you do find that you need to use this measurement, it's worth about 0.05 of an ounce, or 85 scruples.

c) A pint is worth 4 gills, which are each worth 1 fluid ounce. Wait, does this mean a pint of whiskey is the same as four shots of whiskey? That doesn't seem right.

8. Being sick is a pretty commonly accepted reason for taking a day off work. If you're lucky, you might even get paid for these. But I think we should expand the list of acceptable reasons for taking a day off. Here are some of the ones I'd like to add:

a) Newly broken-hearted

It's cruel to expect people who are broken-hearted to go in to work. If someone just dumped you, you have every right to sit on the couch for a couple of weeks. I remember being broken-hearted in Japan after my first love dumped me, and I would cry in the bathroom stall for 10 minutes or so before going in to teach my English class. Having to go from sobbing quietly and pondering what I was really doing with my life to "OK, who's ready to learn about the present progressive verb tense?!" in a few short minutes was, I think, too much to ask.

b) Newly in love

Ah, to be freshly in love. When you're newly in love, all you want to do is spend time with that person. You want to take in everything together, because after all, you guys do rule the world now. The absolute last thing you want to do is go to work. Plus, people who are freshly in love are not known for being productive or "getting things done." But oh, to be in love. Everything looks different, doesn't it? The flowers are more vibrant, the smell of coffee more rich, the sky more blue. Kind of sounds like someone who just dropped acid, right? I told you. Not a good day to go in to work.

c) Someone in your life is driving you insane

Now, this could be really anything. Maybe your aunt sent you a weird email. Maybe your kids are whining like it's going out of style, or your partner made your eggs so runny that they had that clear, gelatinous stuff on them. Take the day off.

d) Feel like you're going to burst into flames

I don't think 'sick days' should be limited to illnesses that have been identified by modern science. Runny noses, hacking up a lung and high fevers are all obviously legitimate reasons to stay home from work. But what about the more vague conditions, like exploding head syndrome, wooden legs, robot neck or electricity in the side-body? These all fall under the umbrella term 'Feel like you're going to burst into flames.'

e) Really, really, really don't feel like it

I know this is probably self-explanatory, but let me explain anyway. There is a huge difference between 'really don't feel like going to work' and 'really, really, really don't feel like going to work.' Everyone should get at least 2 days off a year, paid, when they really, really, really do not feel like going. If you just really don't feel like going, suck it up. But if you're using 3 reallys? Damn. You REALLY don't feel like it. And that should be reason enough to get back in your pajamas.

9. There are some funny little differences between Canadian English and American English, even though both countries also have countless regional dialects and vocabularies. These are just some examples from my personal experience.

a) Canadians like to show their national pride by insisting that it's 'zed,' not 'zee.'

b) Did you know that in some regions of the US, they say 'catty corner' instead of 'kitty corner?' Haha...catty corner. Doesn't this sound ridiculous? Kitty corner makes way, way, way more sense. Way more sense. I'm just realizing right now that I have never written this word down in my life. It might be 'kiddie corner.'

c) Americans often use the word 'restroom' instead of 'bathroom' or 'washroom.' For me, the word 'restroom' sounds so formal, like only people wearing ball gowns and tuxedos should really be saying it. I found out this Canadian/American vocab difference the hard way when I once asked my ex-boyfriend's mom (who lived in Ohio) where the washroom was, and she took me to the laundry room. Confused, I asked again, only this time for the 'toilet room.' That got me where I needed to go.

d) Americans really don't have a satisfying word for 'toque.' Did you know this is a uniquely Canadian word? Americans call it a 'beanie,' which in my mind is one of those toques that's really, really baggy at the back. Or any other weird or off-looking toque. I have also heard my American friends call a toque a 'winter hat,' but I don't think that's specific enough. I mean, how are we supposed to know you're not talking about one of these babies? (see photo below)

10. I don't know if I've already written about some of my invention ideas, but here are some new ones I'm thinking about. I'll admit, some of these ideas aren't fully cooked yet, but at least I've identified the problem that needs solving. First, what about screens in the bathroom stalls at movie theatres that play the same movie you were watching on the regular screen? Second, I don't even like microwaves, but if we gots to have 'em, can we please invent one that doesn't BEEP FIVE TIMES WHEN THE POPCORN'S READY?

*For my appearance on Shark Tank, I'm also considering some ideas I saw on the internet: spray-on wrapping paper, a car that turns into a swimming pool, and square watermelons.

If I could still rock this exact outfit with that much confidence, wow!

Well, here we go. A little tour of my life.

When I was a kid

It was the 80's (slash 90's), and I remember playing a lot of Nintendo (both regular and Super). I liked Excitebike, Tetris, Donkey Kong, and all of the Mario Brothers games. My claim to fame is my Dr. Mario skill, though. I'm not trying to be full of myself, but I'm really good at this game. I think I was a pretty happy child. I grew up with three brothers, and I shared a room with my younger brother. I remember not wanting to go to sleep at night unless he was in the room with me, although I don't know what I thought he was going to do if a monster really WAS under the bed. It's funny how your childhood spans many, many years, and yet you only really have a few memories-a few snapshots, some very meaningful, some kind of random. Why do I remember that the kid with the yellow striped t-shirt in my kindergarten always had Cheez Whiz sandwiches? I don't know.

Me with one of my very oldest friends, Dave.

I remember my mom making pinatas out in the shop-I can still smell the paper mache paste she would make. I remember my dad painting signs out in the shop, and the smell of the One Shot paint he used. I remember my brothers being good to me, and of course, sometimes we would bug each other as all siblings do. I remember my brothers playing hockey on the street in front of our house. I remember watching a LOT of WWF (World Wrestling Federation, not World Wildlife Fund). I remember my younger brother and I carving a piece out of our new kitchen linoleum because we wanted to hide a note in the floor. We soon discovered this was easy to do, but not easy to undo. We put a dishcloth on the floor to cover over what we'd done. Surprisingly, our parents noticed immediately that there was a large washcloth in the middle of the floor for no reason. Must have been some kind of parent radar. I remember swimming in our pool a lot, and hanging out with our next door neighbour Jamie a lot. I also remember that as a kid, especially in my early school years, I was scared of a lot of things. Library day at school. Gym day at school. Going on the schoolbus. I even remember my dad coming with me on the bus one day all the way to school. For some reason, I was really scared that the schoolbus was going to be late. Let's see...what else do I remember...oh yeah, in elementary school, 'Pogs' were INSANELY popular, and so were those candies called 'Screaming Saucers' that turned your mouth blue for the rest of the year. Pogs and Screaming Saucers were both banned at my school. I remember we had a red station wagon, then a blue station wagon with wood paneling, and then when my dad went out to buy a new car, he came back with a blue station wagon with wood paneling. The same one we'd just gotten rid of, actually, except this one had two seats in the back that were turned around the opposite way, just in case you wanted two of your kids to feel really, really nauseous. I also remember the licence plates to our family vehicles. RDA 785, KBV 405, EFR 073, GAN 973. I even remember the licence plate of our family friend. TRC 695. I don't know why the hell I remember that. Memory is a funny thing. I also remember the principal of my school driving me home one day, smoking with all the windows rolled up. Don't freak out, though. This was the 90's.

Obviously there are many more things I remember from my childhood, but overall, I was happy, albeit a little nervous. I always loved when my family would go on camping trips to Manning Park, and in the winters we would go to the cabins there. I genuinely don't remember a thing I learned in school, except I do have a vivid memory of my grade 3 classroom. All the shelves were lined with big jars that contained various animal parts disintegrating in stinky formaldehyde. My teacher once got mad that I used pen to do my math homework, so I guess I did learn something in school.

Smells that I distinctly remember from being a kid:

-Sears

-the backseat of the station wagon on a hot day

-my dad's pickup truck (it still smells the same)

-those little pizzas mom used to make

-mom's homemade macaroni and cheese

-'Tribe' perfume

When I was a teenager

The first thing I think of when I think of being a teenager is my friends. I had (and still have) a group of maybe 10 girlfriends that I was super close to through high school. The second thing I think of is Subway. We were ALWAYS at Subway, getting those little deli sandwiches that cost $1.06 and they would even give you two stamps for them on double-stamp day. We would have a lineup of ten girls, each ordering two of them. I think we're the reason that Subway discontinued delis. Now you have to order a 6-inch, and they don't even cut the bread the same way anymore. Remember that U-shaped cut they used to do? Genius! I asked one of the Sandwich Artists recently if they could do the 'old cut' and they said no. I don't know if the Subway corporation decided they want half of the sandwich ingredients to fall out, or what. I remember dogpiles on the side of the road, spending a LOT of time at the mall with my friend Kim, singing in the middle of the hallway at school, going on trips with my friends to Savary Island, and working at McDonald's. Evidently, I was not aware that eating McDonald's twice a day was not a healthy choice, but the shape of my face knew this before I did. I also remember sleeping a lot. Getting up at noon and being like "Why am I up so early? I don't even work until 1!" I remember driving around in my parents' little Honda Civic (EFR 073) with my friends, listening to a mixed tape we called 'The Bitch List.' I don't really remember anything academic about my classes at school, but I do remember getting chips at the Falcon's Nest (our school's snack bar) and silently raging when someone wanted one. Also, I remember that my chemistry teacher talked about hockey a lot, and when that thing with Marty McSorley and Donald Brashear happened, we didn't do any work for a week. Yes, it was good to be a teenager. Oh, also, I watched a lot of Jenny Jones.

When I was in my 20's

Your twenties are such a funny time. I remember being baked a lot. Well, I don't really "remember," but you know what I mean. I went to university in Victoria, which was only for a four-year degree but somehow felt like a lifetime, in a good way. I lived in dorms there, made a bunch of lifelong friends, and probably learned some stuff about Anthropology during my Anthropology degree. I still wasn't necessarily out of that 'sleeping too much' thing, because I did fail one Anthropology class that I foolishly scheduled at 8:30 in the morning. I also failed one more class-this one was calculus. I remember my roommate waking me up around the time the class was starting. "Hey, don't you have an exam right now?" she asked. I ran to class in my pajamas and the professor told me to sit in the desk at the front of the room facing the rest of the class. In the end, I got 2/50 on that exam. Yep, a cool 4%. A couple of years later, as I was working the coffee bar at the Sidewalk Cafe in Victoria, that calculus professor came in. He said he remembered me from a calculus class he taught at UVic, and asked how it all turned out. I said it turned out pretty good. The funny thing about that calculus class is I'm actually pretty good at math! Maybe my head was just a little bit too full of bong resin at the time.

After university, I became an ESL teacher, and I did this for quite a long time (about 15 years). The job took me to a few other countries, including South Korea, Japan and Taiwan. I taught in Victoria and Vancouver, and I genuinely loved my work. I still miss it often. My students were from all over the world, and I would teach them things about grammar, pronunciation, and vocabulary nuances, like how it sounds a little strange if you say someone is 'drunken' instead of 'drunk.' My students taught me so much about other cultures, and I absolutely loved being with them.

A tiny sample of the thousands of students I must have had the pleasure of working with.

I was fired from a few jobs in my 20's, even though I'm really a good employee. I was fired from McDonald's for not showing up to work one day (I was in the woods with my friends and lost my keys, and these were the days before any of us had cell phones), fired from a cafe for 'leaving a turkey in the oven overnight,' even though I didn't even know we had turkey on the menu. I told them it wasn't me, but they said I was the only one who was there the night before, so it must have been me. Jeez. Maybe it was me. I was fired from one other cafe. The manager called me on the phone early in the morning and said it 'just wasn't working out.' Still to this day, I don't know why, but maybe it's because I rolled my eyes when he told me he wanted me to mop the patio.

My twenties was also the time when I met my first love. I remember that wooden-legged, bursting into flames feeling of new love. He was from Japan, a year younger than me, a former student of mine at the ESL school. We laughed a lot, especially because we really couldn't understand each other at all when we first met. He was the initial reason why I ended up spending over a year in Japan, and I learned lots of things about the culture from him. I remember his dad used to talk to me in Japanese, seemingly unaware that I did not speak the language. But the rest of the family didn't seem to like the dad that much, so they would leave me to 'talk' to him for a long time. I also learned that resumes are written by hand in Japan, and prospective employers are looking at the quality of your knowledge of Japanese characters (Kanji). I remember him spending hours writing out a resume, making one tiny error, and starting again. I don't know why I remember this particular thing, but memory is a funny thing. My job in Japan was again working as an ESL teacher, only this time-in contrast to working in Vancouver-I would commute for like two hours sometimes, one way. I worked for a company that farmed me out to different universities in Tokyo to teach their English classes. The cafeteria food was always really, really good. I learned to doze off standing up. Japanese trains are exactly as packed as you've heard they are, and there really are those guys in white gloves that shove people into the trains. Not for the claustrophobic. But you know what was really weird about being on a train that had like a zillion people on it, some of their faces within millimeters of your face? It was always pretty much dead silent, because in Japan it's unacceptable to talk on the phone, or really talk at all on the train.

So yeah, that was my twenties.

Now that I'm in my thirties

My 30's have been similar to my 20's, except I don't drink much now, and I go to bed earlier. And I get up earlier, and now I know how to crochet. I also love baking, preserving my garden bounty, and doing crossword puzzles. My 30's are like my 20's, but with a twist of grandma. I've traveled, I've taught, fallen in love a couple more times, eaten a lot of sushi. Paid a lot of rent. I've lived in the same 300 square-foot apartment in Vancouver for the entirety of my 30's, now that I think about it. I just can't get enough of that place. Checkered black and white kitchen floor, high ceilings, cheap rent. It's grand. Also in my thirties, I was lucky enough to meet Jordie (aka "Jordan"), who really changed everything. Hi Jordie, if you're reading this (you better be reading this!)-you're the highlight of my 30's!

Now that I'm in my thirties, I guess I have learned a few things. I've learned that two coffees is a good idea, but not three. I've learned that white rice is way better than brown rice, no matter what anybody says. And that the early bird really does catch the worm or whatever. I know now that you can and should learn something from everyone you know, and that traveling teaches me at least as much as formal education does. I've learned that the most important thing to me is the people in my life-my family and friends. And all those sayings that I used to roll my eyes at in my twenties have started to ring true in my 30's. Like, "Do what you love," or "YOLO." I hope I never care too much about how old I am, or whether I have a wrinkly neck, and try to take everything as it comes. You know what, at the risk of sounding cheesy, I think for me the 'meaning of life' can be boiled down to two little nuggets of wisdom, both of which I learned in so many words from my mom.

1. Find what makes you happy

2. Be good to other people

That's all for now, folks! And hey, Happy International Polar Bear Day!